My Story: Broken to Monster to Redeemed
People naturally put their trust in things of this world for comfort or
purpose. Might be people close to you, status, school, job, money,
government, your church. I learned the hard way that you don't want those as
your foundation. I'll show you how our sinful nature mixed with the world's
philosophies causes most of our problems. I'll show you some things that
made recent generations so depressed and anxious. How Satan's, or the
world's, systems lead us to misery in this life and eternal damnation in the
Then, I'll show you how putting your faith in Jesus Christ changes all
of that. You'll see that Jesus Christ has real power. If He saved and
delivered me, you know there's nobody beyond His reach. You also
know He'll deal with the rest in time. Until that time, you'll know He'll
help us endure this hard life. Let's start from the beginning.
Start with an Uphill Battle
Although living in many places, I spent much of my childhood in rural
areas. Like a good-ole country boy, I enjoyed BBQ, guns, and campfires. I
liked movies, games, science, and exploring the cities, too. Many of us
found country life peaceful, but boring and isolating, too. We wanted the
rest of what the world offers. We dreamed of living better lives in other
I was considered mentally gifted. I was a walking encyclopedia of
knowledge and full of great ideas. I was socially and physically weaker.
That's not a good combo in rural areas. People excluded and mocked "nerds"
like us. Even if it could get me ahead, I had no focus and procrastinated
too much. People were clear I was different and didn't belong but I didn't
know why for the longest time.
Un-diagnosed autism was the main reason. We're really smart but socially
clueless. I'll give you two examples:
Have you really needed to say something to someone, your mind went
totally blank, and you were just staring or bumbling your words? And that
prevented or hurt the relationship? Our brains often give us nothing to
say in social situations. Then, they might stay blank.
Have you ever heard someone say something extremely important, you
couldn't understand what they meant, and getting the answer wrong could
cost you? That's how we experience many social situations, esp "small
talk." People told me I was insensitive, a jerk, a creep... you name it.
Negative side: Many of us have to make scripts handling specific
situations. We fake small talk. We feel like aliens but we're at least
good actors. We have few friends.
Positive side: We do like talking about specific things and people.
That energizes us. The deeper it goes, the better. We're repetitive about
those things. They might be hobbies we become experts in. Otherwise, we
talk way too much about it to others and it causes problems.
How I chose to live: highly-imaginative overacting, out-smarting them,
constant jokes, avoiding them, and showmanship (lying) in that order. Three
helped me hide. Three made me shine.
On my parents: one parent was intellectual and shy, the other highly
empathetic and outgoing. People usually get one or the other. I inherited
both traits. I often experience them both at the same time. I struggle to
handle that. One effect is that I really wanted to connect to and please
people more than most others.
My family situation wasn't stable. My parents really cared about me.
That was good. There still were divorces, much moving around, some people
at my homes that were helpful, some were evil, and some were both. Lots of
trauma. I also spent more time around women than men since I lived with my
mother. It was hard to hang out with men from then on.
I'm just briefly mentioning these things since they affected everything
Instead of empathy, the black school I went to made me hate being white.
Group identity, like skin color, determined how people saw you. Whites
were seen as oppressors who never did anything good, deserve no credit due
to their advantages, stole their inventions from everyone else, and must
always be resisted. Blacks were disadvantaged, victims, could never be or
do wrong, should never trust anything from white people (even educational
programs), and would never succeed in a society that was 100% racist.
This worldview didn't just make unity impossible: it encouraged mocking,
excluding, and beating white people. The attacks were often many on one.
They did black people the same if they were too white or not black enough.
Today, intersectionality and critical, race theory promote the same ideas
with the same, horrible results.
In our school, people responded in different ways. Most had defeatist
attitudes that made them coast by. Those trying to be like gang leaders
and thug rappers were about slinging hard drugs, dumping women after using
them for sex, robbing people in their neighborhoods, murdering the
opposition, and rebelling against authority and legitimate work. Far from
victims, they *loved* what they did, stayed bragging about it, recruited
others, and would beat them if they tried to leave.
More rarely, people said they'd succeed at their dreams with hard work.
Racism was an obstacle they'd overcome. Some were also about people being
good to each other. One or two of them were my best friends.
I stayed so confused. If the environment defined us, why did they have
wildly different views?
Later, I realized what drove it was mainly their parents, peers, and role
models (esp black celebrities). What was ruining those black communities
were people focusing on personal fun over stable families, seeing racism
everywhere, and living like thugs. Whereas, those doing better were
learning about God, love, justice, hard work, perseverance, and other
virtues. Some teachers instilled those virtues in us. I thank God for
those people because they're the only reason I didn't turn into a racist.
If you want to improve those places, now you know where to start.
What were the lasting effects? My time in that black school taught me to
dodge problems or verbally take on whole crowds. Trying to be black and
show out to fit in got more hate. I got stuck with being a half-white,
half-black nerd. People in two worlds walk a tight rope with no group to
belong to. I got paranoid thinking through everything I did, worrying what
people thought, and being ready for any problem. Even in Christ, those old
habits can sneak back in.
I went to white, suburban schools later. That was much easier. I mostly
had the normal struggles teenagers have. I'll skip those because you've
probably heard all of that before.
High School’s Hardest Lessons
In high school, many things happened. Mainly, I learned about programming,
hacking, anarchy, and Jesus. Programming let me make my imagination a
reality. Hacking let outcasts control others. We studied for a bright
future guaranteed by our capitalist, Christian democracy.
Then, we started to see the lies. The businesses were laying people off
in mass, abusing them in the workplace, and many worked two to three
jobs with no benefits. Our government wasn't helping them but did give
billions to rich companies. They did it because they took bribes which
prior generations rewarded with re-election instead of prison.
Everything up to that point put us $5 trillion in debt. We were supposed
to pay that without good jobs. Many students turned to socialism since
Nordic and European countries at least tried to solve such problems.
Then, we watched hundreds get murdered on 9/11. Students wanted to
fight the Saudi terrorists. Instead, our President's lies sent many to
Iraq which killed more people than 9/11 here and over 100,000 over
there. The media, esp Fox, would lie that our strikes were successful
while overseas outlets, like the UK's, would show actual videos of bombs
missing and kids dying instead. Our system was pervasively corrupt. Some
people turned to anarchy, military training, and prepared for the worst.
While doing that, I also tried Jesus in case He could help.
Like today, most people in churches talked a focus on Christ until it
cost them time, money, or worldly attachments. Instead of abhorring sin,
it was in all their entertainment. Racial segregation existed across
churches, cliques inside of them, and they’d ignore or mock outsiders.
Instead of outreach and the poor, most money went to big buildings,
bureaucracies, and events to make well off people feel more comfortable.
The homeless and orphans couldn’t stay in their many, empty rooms.
Pastors' comments on science showed they never actually read it. They
put politics before the Bible, too.
I lost trust in them all. Maybe religion was just lies we told
ourselves to feel better about life or justify our actions. I might have
been a Pharisee myself and not even had the Spirit. Who knows. I walked
out on church and God. I'd later throw a pamphlet with God's Word in a
toilet, show Him what I really thought, and flush it afterward. Many
denominations said such apostasy is like re-crucifying Jesus: I'd never
be forgiven. That was fine with me.
Be Badder, Better, and Best
New philosophy: "I'd Rather Die on My Feet Than Live On My Knees!"
I'd solve the hardest problems myself. I put all my time into inventing
or improving things. I'd study the best humanity had to offer, esp their
lessons learned or experiences. After exceeding pros, I'd get bored and
move onto a new project. I handed off developed ideas for others to build.
Finishing what I started wouldn't be as fun. Chasing those dreams kept me
unemployed or in dead end jobs for long periods of time.
My focus was on knowledge, power, humanitarianism, and fun. I scored
respect from people on top, in the underground, and everywhere in between.
I wasted years of my life on such wicked elitism. I've forgotten a lot of
it but here’s some “highlights" if you want to call them that:
I overcame social anxiety working high-volume retail. I became world-class
at tech for computer security and boosting human potential. As a
survivalist, I was an expert on crime, combat, and war. Offense or
defense, my specialty was countering high-strength opponents (esp
nation-states). My other hobbies included researcher, educator, reformer
(civil rights / anti-corruption), conspiracy theorist, business
strategist, video games (strategy/shooters/RPG's), parties, being a
martial artist, and I made a few people pick-up artists.
What did it all teach me? Our institutions, systems, and philosophies were
all corrupted by human selfishness on every level. Every political
movement about bettering the world was self-righteous people doing us vs
them, often virtue signaling. The rich, famous, and powerful were all
liars. Underneath, they were just like us with similar worries or never
satisfied no matter what pleasures they had. They only stayed on top if
they convinced us they were worth paying or watching. Others used free
services to sucker people into letting them spy on and manipulate them.
Facing death, EMT's told me the well off wished they thought more about
God, family, and things that really mattered. Then, they perished
I saw an evil, meaningless world too broken to fix. If you doubt that,
read a history book. People consistently pour lots of energy into things
that other people ruin over time. Nothing lasts. Why meaningless, though?
The Roots of Modern Evil
The secular world teaches that there is no
god, no purpose, morality is what each individual wants it to be, and do
what feels good for you. Our universe will eventually disappear into the
nothingness from whence it came. So, nothing you do good or bad really
matters. This worldview made it easy to see people as objects to exploit
or abuse. It's one of the worst philosophies human societies can
With power, people start seeing themselves as gods. Others exist for our
benefit, the sheep to feed the hungry wolves. Get what you want out of
them: their money, bodies, and abilities. They’ll usually give them
willingly after we use lies or deals to trick them into thinking that’s
good for them. Maybe the wolves just bite chunks out of them and take
what we want. If we do our PR right, the masses we look down on will
make us CEO’s or the President while defending the evil things we do.
"What a deal!," the wolves say. What an invitation.
Playing with the Other Side
Getting into the occult didn't help. Trying to hear
from Spirits, do dream control, astral projection to other realms, and
manipulate others' lives. Most involved are scammers trying to get
attention, money, or sex. Encountering real power starts fun but turns
out bad in the long run. No surprise since Satan disguises himself as an
angel of light.
I'll tell you his game with the occult. If it seems
good, like dreams or meditations, it always focuses you on pleasure and
distractions while evil continues to consume our world. Like TV
marathons, it takes you out of the game while rotting your brain. Much
worse usually happens. We were attacked by those things. We'd be
paralyzed but fully awake. If dreaming, awake in lucid nightmares they
controlled. Some get possessed to be their puppets before ending up on
the news for the horrible things they did which nobody can understand.
More often, demons make people think they're getting what they want
while they're actually tricking, corrupting, and using them.
Stay out of the occult! If you get trapped in it,
many of us noticed calling the name Jesus stops attacks that nothing
else would. We still didn't believe in or follow Him. His name was just
another tool or word of power to us.
What Effect Does All of That Have?
Worldly philosophy, occult practices, and choosing
to always do more got me to fantasizing about most forms of evil. I
vented my emotions listening to rebellious rock and demon rappers.
Having like-minded people around me made it worse. On the Internet, we
all watched sick stuff on places like Rotten.com. All this led me to a
point where the worst evils didn't bother me: thinking about them was
either fun or I just felt nothing. At times, I barely felt human.
Where does that lead? Con artists, pimps, child
abusers, rapists, enslavers, killers, tyrants, insurgents, and folks who
want to wipe out humanity all see people as objects to use and abuse.
Jesus says people like me who plot such evil in our hearts are just as
wicked as those who commit the acts. I even started to do several of
those things. Before anything happened, God stopped me with a heavy
conscience and random events that were highly unlikely.
I was an expert on spotting patterns. The nature of the obstacles
indicated the universe itself was resisting my efforts while selectively
allowing others to succeed. There was an intelligence behind it. Although
I sensed God, I hated God for giving me more bad luck than others. "Life's
unfair!" I whined.
(Looking back, I think God stopped me to make sure I could tell people I
didn't actually do those things. Might be important to somebody. I want to
be clear that I was still that evil. Just as guilty.)
If Not Forward, Then Sideways
Since I believed I'd be destroyed, I backed off the worst evils to stay
pursuing ego and pleasure. That included lots of pirated movies, music, and
porn. People loved the quality of mine so much they bought it from me. But
what entertained me the most was stirring people up by roasting and debating
them. For roasts, I had sharp wit. I always had comebacks to anything and I
would make them give up first. In debates, I liked devils advocating on the
worst topics to trigger others hardest. I'd say it was to show hard truths
to cause positive change. That was partly true.
Actually, I just enjoyed making others look like fools and humiliating
them. I justified it to myself saying their ignorance and apathy caused
most of society's problems. I destroyed people's faith in their politics
and religions, esp Jesus. Whereas, I gave away "real" knowledge for free
to anyone it would help. Boosted many underdogs, helped people with their
projects, and some patented what they learned from me. Fans of my humor,
debates, advice, and charity all gave me regular doses of my favorite,
At one point, God attempted to humble me with brain damage: my knowledge,
skills, and even memory of most of my life went... poof! All I'll say about
that. I refused to bow. I rebuilt my life piece by piece. I hid my
disability to avoid discrimination. I’d become a top performer somewhere,
reveal the truth, and tell them a cripple beat them just to add insult to
injury. My survivor instincts kicked in between bouts of amnesia. I joked I
was the real Jason Bourne. Most years from then to now are just a blur to
me. If I ever got married or had kids, I wondered if I'd even remember their
names. I decided I'd not have kids for their sake.
All that time, I was mainly motivated by ego and empathy. I
self-righteously picked which people were worth my time to be good to and
to build up. I'd ignore, mock, or step on the rest. With many threats and
past trauma, I overcompensated by appearing outwardly invincible as I
tried to outdo everyone.
Inwardly, I felt others' pain like it was my own, saw a world full of
decent people hurting, and I could not help them. This gave me insomnia
and vivid nightmares. I drowned both problems out with the strongest
alcohol every night for years. It probably caused even more brain damage.
The clock was ticking toward me being in prison, dead from liver failure,
or killing off whoever was standing in the way of progress. Although bad
at multitasking, I was making progress toward all three at once.
God Breaks Me and Quickly Responds to My Call
The breaking point eventually came. My soul was already calling out to God
sheep hear His voice
. His absence left a hole nothing else filled.
He let Satan dump more on me: around $100,000 of college and hospital debt
(appendicitis); knees, liver, and car start failing; someone close to me
had a $350,000 bail we had to help with; staff cuts at an abusive employer
had me sprinting 13 hours a day, once 18.5 hours, serving angry customers;
some other catastrophes I'll leave off. Practically crawling under the
weight, I called to an "unknown God." I offered to do better and pull
others up with me if He would help me. Still arrogant even as I begged for
God Responds (Satan Does, Too)
High-potential people showed up out of nowhere with piles of interesting
coincidences happening. More patterns. Those who helped me were Christian.
One, new buddy of mine was a predator who set me up at work on false
charges to get a transfer to a higher-paying job. The setup was easier
because I talked and acted rudely and inappropriately to everyone,
including her. God's discipline for my sins.
About this time, I was reflecting on my past in near depression. I was
thinking: "I'm sorry for everything I said and did to all of you." I
wanted to tell as many as possible to their faces, too. Right what wrongs
I could. If I could. It was weighing heavily on me.
Back to the situation. My prayers and plans about that kept failing in
unbelievable ways. This time, I realized God wanted me to do things His
way, not mine. I'd have to submit to Him. I prayed that intention, she
suddenly left, I was still employed, and even the atheists involved were
stunned by how unlikely that was. Using that situation, God re-taught me
some gentleness, humility, and patience. What was He preparing me for?
Coronavirus Panic hit my very, next shift. People started acting like they
do in movies when the world is ending. Selfish, evil, and chaotic. The
people just trying to take care of their families felt helpless. I
canceled starting a business to focus on helping them even though we
thought COVID might kill me (immune disorder). Praying, reading the Bible,
and good works were all I knew to do. I prayed to God worrying I'd still
lose faith and abandon Him. I wondered if the Bible was spiritual truth
mixed in with the opinions of men. Maybe I could pick and choose what
suits me. Maybe He's real, the Bible is literally true, and I need to obey
it all. Until He answered, I'd keep reading, praying, and obeying.
God answered. I was tired at work when I saw a flash of bright light,
felt like a bolt of lightening went through me, became wide awake, and
heard a coworker in trouble ask for my help over the radio. The voice was
distorted in a mix of heavenly (angelic?) and underwater sound. I've had
many experiences, including lucid dreams. This was different. If you
experienced this, you'd immediately know it was supernatural event or you
just developed mental illness. I couldn't rule out mental illness. I just
started walking toward her. Minutes later, she came on the radio saying
the same words, same tone, and same pacing. Everything. I heard the future
and then it happened in precise detail. Experiencing an Old
Testament-style revelation sent me running toward God.
Jesus Catches Me
I asked God how to serve Him right. I wore a shirt with the Word of God on
it every day so He could easily create opportunities. God used a combo of
that shirt, obeying specific commands, and narrow coincidences (signs) to
point me at a woman who overflowed with love for Jesus Christ. I had
forgotten what that even looked like. Another showed up with genuine
compassion for me but false teaching, signs, and wonders. Both paths
looked good at first.
I visited both on the same day. One side described Bible passages in
their historical contexts. Then, how they tied into the overall message of
Scripture. The other used quoted individual verses that seemed to match
their thinking but with no context. One church focused on who Jesus Christ
is, what He did, and followed out of gratitude. The other focused on what
we're doing, how God will help us do it, and promised blessings of money
and power. The Spirit's conviction plus a brother's rebuke helped me dodge
the "Prosperity Gospel."
The Real Gospel
I kept visiting the group preaching Christ crucified. They taught me the
Gospel. I put more about Christ, our identity, and the proof on GetHisWord.com.
Here's the simplest version.
God is a perfect being. He's holy, loving, and just. He made us to worship
Him and love each other. We didn't.
"For all have sinned and fall short of the
glory of God." (Romans 3:23)
Our sins are many.
Everyone who does evil will face God's judgement. His enemies go to Hell:
a lake of fire where they never get rest and the smoke of their torment
goes up forever and ever. But, there's good news:
"But God gives proof of his own love toward
us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)
"For the wages of sin is death, but the
free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23)
"For I delivered to you first of all that
which I also received: that Christ died for our sins according to the
Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day
according to the Scriptures" (1 Corinthians 15:3-4)
"[Jesus said:] This is the will of the one
who sent me, that everyone who sees the Son, and believes in him, should
have eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day." (John 6:40)
"Therefore, repent and be converted, that
your sins may be blotted out." (Acts 3:19)
Jesus was God in human flesh. He lived the perfect life we didn't, died
for our sins, and was raised again. If you commit your life to Him
(believe), He saves you by what He did for you, not your own works. To
return to God, just say this to Him (i.e. pray) right where you are:
"Dear God, I know that I am an unworthy sinner and there is nothing
that I can do to earn your salvation. I believe Jesus is man and God. I
believe you sent Him to live the life I didn't, that He died on the
cross for my sins, and was raised from the dead three days later. I
repent (or turn away from sin) and accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and
Savior. God I ask in Jesus' name that you please forgive and save me.
Thank you. Amen (the end)."
If you meant it, then you now have peace with God. The Spirit of God now
dwells in you. The washing of regeneration and the renewal of the Holy
Spirit will change you into a new person from the inside out. Now, get
baptized, start living like a believer, and get in the Word and a Biblical
church to grow in Christ. It will be hard. Endure it to the end since
Jesus Christ is worth it. He also promises that nobody can snatch His
sheep from His hand.
Back to my story. That's the Gospel I heard. In my case, God had just
used impossible events and a prophecy to drag me to a Bible study... on
the Book of Jonah. If you've ever read Jonah, you'll know why that got my
attention. I surrendered to Christ around June 2020.
Living for Christ
Then, things started happening that never happened before. My PTSD and
insomnia symptoms disappeared first. Then, He changed me to love others
more, even strangers and enemies. He gave me feelings back that trauma had
taken away. Infants started staring at me with wide-eyed fascination,
often happy. It's like they saw something else. One animal nobody could
touch let me pet it. They used to hate me. During lockdown, I had
consistent, inner peace during a time when many, including almost everyone
I used to know, were consumed with fear and anxiety.
Heart-hardened people opened up. God would make words flow out of me that
were just what they needed to hear. They wouldn't match my thinking style.
Random events at work shifted to benefit more than hurt me while others
had the same problems we had before. When trying to help others, random
events sometimes made that easier or cheaper. Outside work, one person
covered a massive debt for me. (Twice
Prayer had power science didn't begin to explain. That revelation I
experienced started me off with strong faith. Then, people whose luck was
down told me everything started lining up out of nowhere after a prayer.
Some who tried to attack or unjustly fire us had sudden problems that
blocked that. After group prayers, struggling and dying folks had rapid
turn-arounds that baffled professionals. One healing was confirmed by two,
God kept doing more. I'd sense a spiritual need in someone, pray (or fast)
for them, they'd randomly start focusing on that area, and improve. Some I
prayed and fasted for not only reported those outcomes: they used either
the exact words in my prayers or really close to them! Inside and out,
Jesus Christ, His Gospel, and His Spirit all had proven power!
Paul says to Timothy:
"The saying is faithful and worthy of all
acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of
whom I am chief. However, for this cause I obtained mercy, that
in me first, Jesus Christ might display all his patience for an
example of those who were going to believe in him for eternal life." (1
After turning to Jesus Christ, who I am, my life, and others lives around
me have changed for the better in ways we'd all have said were impossible
just a year before that. Psalm
comes to mind.
God saved other peoples' lives, too. I'd have killed them. Multitudes
of them. God changed the entire course of history for many of us. That
started when He made me feel compelled to read His Word, the Bible. While
He gave more grace to me, many people believe in Christ by His Word alone.
That's proof that a single person being obedient to God and sharing Christ
can not only save souls but keep people alive. If you listen to and obey
it, God's Word has so much power. The Book of Hebrews says:
"For the word of God is living and active,
and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing of
soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and is able to discern the
thoughts and intentions of the heart. There is no creature that is
hidden from his sight, but all things are naked and laid open before the
eyes of him to whom we must give an account." (Heb.
I was an undeserving sinner. He brought me back, cleansed me of all
that pain and filth inside, put His love and peace in me, and set me on
fire with His Spirit to serve Him and others. My life now and till death
will testify to the steadfast love of our God given through our Lord Jesus
What about you? Having witnesses His power in me and others, what will
you choose? It's a rhetorical question. Your next minute isn't guaranteed.
Choose to commit to Christ right now. If you believe, but don't
live like it, then repent and start living for Christ right now.
Thanks for your time. I hope it spoke to some of you.
(Read the Gospel
its true. Some predictions
He made to motivate us. If you're a believer, this site
will equip you.)